Eight ways to get on the Manchester United payroll

1. Be left-footed, Spanish-speaking or preferably both. Of the starting 11 on Saturday, only Phil Jones didn’t fit into either category. Maybe it’s time he took night classes in Castilian.

2. Be an ex-player willing to tow the party line. According to Roy Keane’s earth-shattering revelations this week, United legends working for the club don’t bitch about their current employers. What?!?!

3. Be called anything other than José Mário dos Santos Mourinho Félix. He could be the last available manager on earth, but if it came down to Mourinho and the tea-lady as the last two candidates, United would be posting a vacancy for someone to make the half-time beverages.

4. According to the official Manchester United website, the club are currently looking for a Casual Museum Assistant. Is ‘casual’ referring to their fashion sense, or maybe someone who isn’t bothered by losing members of their group on the museum tour?

5. Sleep with your brother’s wife (Giggs), sleep with a prostitute whilst your wife is pregnant (Rooney), get arrested for rape (Evans & Van Persie), indecent exposure (Van Gaal & Young), and these are just examples from those in the current set-up – anyone remember Tommy Docherty being sacked as manager of Man Utd for having an affair with the physio’s wife?

6. Be able to run very, very fast. According to Fifa, Antonia Valencia was announced as the fastest player in the world last year. It’s no wonder that Usain Bolt has repeatedly insisted that when he hangs up his running spikes he wants to play for Manchester United.

7. Do your job really badly and then leave. Both David Moyes and Nani underperformed during their respective spells at the club. They were both shipped out and yet the club are still paying them according to their contracts.

8. Sell beer, and lots of it. Singha is Manchester United’s official beer, and they reckon that 20,000 bottles are sold at the ground each game.